and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
