Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
