There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
