So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
