When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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