My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
COCAINE IS GR8
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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