Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
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I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
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you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.