i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
