you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
