there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!