Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE