My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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