I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
