remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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