he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
