John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize