I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
