I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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