He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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