I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
