Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
