roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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