remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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