good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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