It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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