my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
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