Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
