He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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