I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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