i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
