My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
