Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I understand Curling. That high.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
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It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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