i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
