I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
