he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
