You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
