So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
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You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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