I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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