Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
