Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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