I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I think I sprained my soul last night
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
