You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
