I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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