My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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