I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
