she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
