In the future we'll all be gay
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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