I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
