I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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