dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
