Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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