So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
