Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
